Down With Doc Martens
They must be stopped
Consumer Report is place to make sense of the world through: media, people, and, ideas. It’s all a mess, but that’s kinda the point. You ain’t gonna read sh*t like this anywhere else cause nobody thinking bout sh*t the way I be thinking bout this sh*t.
Stay hot, fun, and sexy. 🧡🛜
I must sleep
It’s 4AM I have been tossing and turning for the past hour. I’m unable to sleep and entirely unsure of the choice I’m making to get up and out of bed and start writing some absolute bullshit — but it seems like better spent time than tossing and turning for another minute!
I’m not sure why but in my sleepy stupor I have started a war against Doc Martens why of all ugly boots did these guys make their mark as a shoe staple for many mfers. It’s like they are ugly asf why do mfs like em.
Domestic Abuse
Everyone who wears them consistently deals with some form of foot issue or they swear by that it is the most comfiest shoe ever. They have been brainwashed. There is absolutely no way a Doc Marten is the comfiest shoe you ever worn that’s like the mfers saying sleeping on the floor is the best way to sleep. Absolute Copium.
Ah yes I love having to break my shoes in for a couple weeks getting blisters in the gnarliest places. All to lug around some heavy uggo boots that I think look better than they actually do. You have been brainwashed into thinking these make a good footwear decision.
I used to have an 8 eyelet pair way back around 10 years ago. I wore them maybe 4 times. I just couldn’t put myself through the abuse of actually wearing them. So then I start feeling buyers regret, because what the fukc I spent $200 on some shitty uncomfortable boots. Though I’m happy to report that I sold them at a yard sale for about $15 so I’ll take it.
A few years back I fell victim to the loafers resurgence. And my dear friend Juan got me a pair of Adrian Loafers for my birthday. And what the fuck is up with Doc Marten sizing these have to be the dumbest shits ever. Oh you want them tight as fuck and hurting your feet yeah that’s the perfect size. “I always size down so they stretch into place” said the DM representative. So I go a size down. I try wearing them. I wear them to a soccer game — this has to be one of the worst decisions of my life.
4 hours of the most excruciating pain my feet have ever felt. I was so desperate for extra foot protection I bought Fran a couple beers so I could wear his socks — thank you so much Franosuke that’s a friend. The pain got so bad that I was walking back to the car in my socks. I never wore those piece of shits ever again.
And don’t even argue that I needed to size up cause them hoes just slipped off if I went a size up. How absolutely idiotic to not do half sizing. What better way to gaslight me into thinking I’m crazy for choosing the wrong size when in reality there is no right size. Doc Marten has successfully manipulated millions! Your boots aren’t supposed to give you blister! what the fuck is going on! Why do people like them!
I can’t believe these shoes used to be punks aesthetic. God punk is so stupid. oh my fuck punk is so stupid. Maybe Docs had some cred back then but arguably it never should have. Now it’s just braindead indie sleaze hipster types whose favorite movie is 500 days of summer (derogatory). Of all the millions of shoes out there to wear. Of all the different sort of brands and vibes. You decide to wear Docs… They should be tarred and feathered and thrown to a pack of lions.
these boots symbolize the collapse of personal taste.
There is nothing stylish about them they are the worst utilitarian boot out there they are dead giveaways that someone has no flavor no taste no soul. an abusive relationship. thinking “if I just hang in there they will change”. your toes curl into themselves and fuse together. your pinky toenail falls off from the narrow leather coffin. The scars from all your blisters. You’ll lie to yourself and say they are the comfiest shoe. Just so you don’t have to admit you wasted $200 of some shitty boots.
Okay good lord I really should go back to bed this is ridiculous if you like wearing docs get fucked
CONSUMER REPORT 4 EVR LONG LIVE ME
