Fashion Class Systems
Who you must never become
Welcome to Consumer Report — a personal archive of observations, impulses, thoughts, and internal monologues. This is where I process the world as I consume it: media, people, moods, ideas, and anything else that sticks. Subscribe to read whatever nonsense I’m thinking about this week. Stay hot, fun, and sexy. 🧡🛜
Character Classes -
Honest Swag - 👨🏽🌾 honest days work
A poorly dressed individual who frankly doesn’t care how they dress. They have unfortunately been dealt with the misgivings of being anchored to an eternity of having to dress oneself. Arguably they live a simpler life than those of us that do care. Never putting much thought into their outfits they are free to dress as they please. Every once in a while they are impeccably dressed that you can’t help but feel happy for them and the moment.
Getting There Swag - 🧑🏼🏫 hitting the books
This the buck who be coming to you for fashion advice. They be experimenting with bunch of clothes, understanding what works and what doesn’t. Open and honest is their best bet. They don’t want shallow compliments, they want constructive feedback. Building a lexicon of elegant clothing rules. Some strict others loose. They deserve only love and admiration. For being honest with themselves and others around them. It’s a never ending game that we all have within ourselves. I commend all GTS’s.
Pick Me Swag - 🛍️ designer bozo
this that ho who thinks they look so good cause they got some ratchet Teflar bag n crooked vintage gucci bracelet that doesn’t work with their skin tone at all. Taking no consideration into how it looks on them, what their style is, what colors they like, what shapes they like and blah blah blag. It’s baffling, like bruh some Prada shades ain’t saving the fit. Ballerina flats didn’t reinvent you. That $400 trucker ain’t pulling the huzz. They have no taste and pockets that only pull them further away from finding their unique style.
Try Hard Swag - 🤡 notice me
This the mf going to the party in some awful fitted checkered suit with heels that clash and sunnies that signal, “I’m clinically insane.” Swagless mfs will tell them how great they look not knowing the long term cerebral damage they are causing. It’s like watching a car wreck I can’t look away and honestly it’s so exciting to see. They are mere moments away from unraveling or triumphing over their own woes. Really though, they are trying, and maybe people really do like how they dress but they are playing a character - one that doesn’t feel like them at all, rather an amorphous blob that wriggles n shakes while it takes form.
Quiet Swag - 🎖️veteran
This mf don’t need you to say anything- They like how they look. They have swag. Easy and simple. You got it or you don’t.
Swag Aristocrats - 💫 ephemeral
This ho is impeccably dressed. I’m talking double triple take. They ain’t copying some recycled fit they seen off tiktok or instagram this ho is a revolutionary, carving their own path. The one who makes you wish you were better dressed. You kinda hate them. Not in a real way, but in a damn they have a well put together outfit and you’re proud and jealous at the same time kind of way. Dare I say an inspiration. You don’t see many of them but when you do, it’s a shooting star at night.
This is very very important. whatever you do. Make sure you never become Try Hard Swag or Pick Me Swag.
You obviously are doing okay because you’re reading the sexiest publication, Consumer Report! so you’re doing alright, keep it up!
Try Hard Swag is the most miserable of all people -
Everything takes effort. The ugly checkered suit took effort and good effort too. Looking in the mirror, getting in your car, walking in your shoes, saying hi to everyone in your evening costume. IT ALL took effort. But there’s something so specific about these kinds of people. If you peel back a layer or three, you’ll find someone quite unstable. In reality they are a ticking time bomb, slowly counting down each minute that passes where their outfit isn’t mentioned. They can’t be in the right mental head space to leave house in such an outfit. They make desperate eyes to those around them, begging for someone to compliment their outfit. If no one notices them they become sour and silent. No longer fit to walk this earth with the rest of us, they hide inside their layers of clothes no longer sure what the point of anything is. Spiraling quickly into a pit of desperation.
Trying too hard is a loaded gun in the wrong persons hands. It’s not that trying too hard is tacky cause that would be silly, we should try hard. It’s the validation that people NEEd when they try too hard. It’s quite unbecoming, very not chill and frankly hideous, moreso it makes me want to have nothing to do with you or your outfit.
A miserable figure that lurks in the recess of your mind. They don’t dare ask how they look or else that would ruin the compliment. It’s quite important that you reach your conclusion entirely on your own volition, with no prompt from them. Such a prompt would make it a loaded question and a loaded question will certainly be biased. So they allude you with strange movements, awkward eye contact, whining sighing groaning until you look. Pitiful attempts - the mating dance of this dreadful creature.
You can’t quite help but wonder what is this all for. What are you hiding behind this outfit. What nasty things would come floating if you peeled back a few layers. That they are desperate because they have been feeling hideous for a few weeks. That they don’t know how to tell themselves they like how they look, fishing for cheap compliments from people around them that they don’t really care about. That if no one notices this outfit tonight is a failure and “I don’t know why the hell I ever thought I could dress like this, it isn’t me I’m so stupid for thinking I could try a new look I’m just going to wear the same shit I always do because no one talked about my outfit I tried really hard on.”
The worst part is, is it’s in all of us. the suffocating need of validation takes hold. Taking shape when we put too much time into an outfit. It suddenly becomes a “thing”. You’ve thought about it too long no longer does the ugly checkered suit represent a small fun casual thing that you threw on last minute on a whim. It manifests who you are. the way they top goes with the bottoms and if the shoes work with the pants and how your skin tone works with the colors and if the accessories are a little too much or if it’s just the right amount of much if this top fits nicely or if it’s a little too tight cause you look at your arms and they look too small but too fat and it honestly feels a little too tight or if the pants work with your butt or if it turns your ass into a shapeless mass with zero sex appeal.
suddenly you’re suffocating, stress begins to swell, anxiety building up quickly, everyones looking at you saying nothing, no ones looking at you saying nothing, do they notice you, don’t they notice you?
Someone comes up to you, they say they like your outfit, your stress dissipates, your anxieties dispelled. You can breathe again, things are right in the world. But then you wonder why other people didn’t compliment your outfit??
It’s safe to say that we all want to be told we dress nice. It’s just really tacky when you care so dang much. Care but don’t beg. Swag is freedom. God Bless Swag
I’m not sure why this turned into a hit piece for Try Hard Swag, but it did. Ego, self doubt, social codes, and the want to be seen. We all feel this way every now and then but when it’s someone’s entire vibe it’s soooooo awful. What makes it worse is like if an mf actually asked how they looked they would skip all the misery and woes. Sure a simple compliment could save them from their mental head games but I don’t see why that is my responsibility. I act blind to their misery waiting for them to explode and stare at the destruction left in their wake.
They are everywhere keep your eyes peeled and whatever you do, do not approach them, they are armed and dangerous and begging for compliments
CONSUMER REPORT 4 EVER
FWME 🧡🪖🫡🎖️
